Whether visiting a wild nightclub or fancy mixology joint, there are a few tips every patron should know. I know these seem pretty obvious to most people, like things your mother would have taught you for basic social interactions. However, you’d be surprised how much basic etiquette fades away once people get a few drinks in them. These the Top 5 Tips for Basic Bar Etiquette that I wanted to post in flashing neon letters when I’ve been behind the stick:
1) Don’t Be A Spaz
If the bar is busy, say… 3 or more people deep, don’t spaz out. You will be served. I will make eye contact with you, or give you a quick smile, and if I have time, I’ll say “You’re almost next.” Once that happens, do not continue to scowl, shout orders at me, wave money in the air, or glare at me intensely as if you’re willing your drink order into my brain. Acting like that might get the guy next to you served first.
Other rules of spaziness:
- If the room starts to spin, it means you’re drunk. Go home. Don’t throw up in (or on) my bar. Thanks.
- Don’t jostle the people around you or try to cut in front of them. They want drinks as much as you do. You will all be served. Just chill.
- Girls, if you really don’t like the guy next to you, just turn down the free drink. He will feel entitled to speak to you. Guys, if you get suckered into buying drinks for a girl who obviously doesn’t want to give you the time of day, don’t continue to harass her. Just move along to the next one.
2) Know What You Want
There is nothing more irritating than having a busy bar, and lots of thirsty people waiting their turn, than to get to someone who has stood there a full 5 minutes who still doesn’t know what they want. It goes like this:
- Me: “You’re next, what would you like?”
- Dum Dum: “Umm… I don’t know. What’s good?”
- Me: “What do you like? Cocktails? Beer? Wine? Shots?”
- Dum Dum: “I don’t know.” Turns to friend, “What should I get?”
- Me: “I’ll be back in a minute.”
Now, it is ok to need some guidance from the bartender. That is our job. However, if you don’t know your earhole from that-other-hole when it comes to alcoholic beverages, and you don’t know if you want wine or a Manhattan, maybe give it some thought while you’re waiting in line. Or ask your friend’s opinion before you get up to the busy bar where everyone is hoping to get a drink quickly.
Also, just know that if you’re talking on your cell phone when its your turn, and expecting me to wait until you finish, you will be skipped over.
And, for me, personally, people who say “please” and “thank you” get priority their next time ordering.
3) Don’t Get In the Way
Everyone and everything has its place in a bar. Mis-en-place is the term for all the ingredients and tools behind the bar. I believe in mis-en-place for all the nice people and tools standing in front of the bar, as well.
In hospitality, we are there to ensure you have a good time. The bartenders, cocktail waitresses, security guards, coat check folks – everyone is there to help you have a great night out. It is helpful if you don’t get in the way of that. Basic tips:
- Don’t hang out in the service well (where servers pick up drinks to deliver to tables)
- Don’t block the entrance of the bar itself (where bartenders enter and exit the bar)
- Don’t stand in the doorway of a bar when people are trying to come in or go home.
- Remember that taking one step behind the bar at any moment will get you kicked out. There’s a lot of liquor and cash is back there. We will assume you mean to steal it. This is a case of guilty-without-the-chance-to-prove-yourself-innocent. Period.
4) Don’t Be A Spaz in the Bathroom
There is some basic bathroom etiquette. You should have learned it long ago. Just in case, here’s a refresher:
- Don’t have sex in the bathroom. I know the romantic ambiance is hard to resist, but other people need the bathroom for relieving their bladders. How about you relieve your other body parts in the car, for example? Preferably, your own.
- Don’t fight in the bathroom. The floors get really gross already with all that wayward piss, paper towels and spilled drinks. Your blood is just one more dirty thing for us to clean up later. Keep it in your body.
- Ladies, if you bottom is too pristine to sit upon the toilet seat when you relieve yourself, at least wipe it off when you are done spraying it with whatever is spewing out of your backside. The next person shouldn’t have to wipe it down when you’re done. It continues to amaze me that even in the fanciest restaurants, toilet seats are covered in pee, whilst the dolled up ladies waft haughtily about as if they don’t even have a bladder. Yet, they just pissed all over the ceramic receptacle like a mangy dog. Unbelievable.
5) Know When To Leave
My mom used to say, “leave the party while you’re still having a good time.” I think this is a good analogy for many situations in life. Its quite literally true at a bar:
- If you are drunk, we cannot legally keep you in the bar. This is not a personal affront. We still like you. We try to monitor how many drinks we serve you so this doesn’t happen, but sometimes, you get drunk anyway. Trust me, its better for you if we put you in a cab now. You don’t want to go home? Why don’t you call up that ex and see if they’d like a visit. Its 1:30 am. I’m sure they’d love to know you’re thinking of them.
- If you’re in an argument with your boyfriend / girlfriend, you’re being a Debby Downer. The rest of us are having fun. Take you jealous / pissy / bad-tempered counterpart deal with it on the sidewalk. Or, better yet, send them out and meet someone else to have fun with. That’s what a bar is for!
- Finally, when its last call, or the clock is about to strike the legal closing time, I cannot serve you, no matter how much you pout, plead, bargain or beg. Its not my choice. It’s the law.
- Now, say thank you and go home gracefully so we can welcome you back next time.
